Here’s a question I ask almost every people leader I work with: “Are you coaching your team?”
Almost universally, the answer is yes.
And almost universally, they’re not.
That’s not a dig. It’s one of the most common blind spots in leadership today. Most leaders genuinely believe they’re coaching their people. But when we dig into what those conversations actually look like, what’s really happening is a mix of advice-giving, directing, instructing, and feedback. All useful things, just not coaching.
And the distinction matters more than you might think.
The Misconception That’s Slowing Your Team Down
Let’s start here: coaching is not telling people what to do.
I know that sounds simple. But the moment a leader sits down with a team member and says, “Here’s what I think you should do,” they’ve exited the coaching conversation and entered something else entirely. That something else might be mentoring, feedback, direction, or training. Again, all of those have their place. But they are not coaching.
Coaching is the practice of helping someone think. It’s about asking the kinds of questions that unlock the other person’s own thinking, creativity, and problem-solving. It’s drawing out, not pouring in.
Here’s why this matters in practice: when leaders default to giving answers, their team learns to come back for more answers. The leader becomes the bottleneck. The constant flow of “quick questions” and “just checking in” interruptions pile up, the leader’s to-do list balloons, and somehow they never quite get to the work that actually needs their focus.
I’ve seen this play out many times. A well-intentioned leader, genuinely trying to support their team, ends up fielding every decision that should have been made three levels below them. They’re exhausted. Their team is dependent. And nobody wins.
When that same leader shifts to coaching, to asking instead of telling, something remarkable happens. The team starts solving their own problems. Conversations become actual conversations, not one-way dispatches. The leader gets time back. People grow. Confidence builds. The team matures.
That shift doesn’t happen overnight. But it starts with understanding what coaching actually is.
So What Is Coaching, Really?
Coaching is a structured, forward-looking conversation that helps someone gain clarity, explore possibilities, and commit to action on their own terms.
When I work with leaders, I use the Flow Coaching Method, which moves through awareness, motivation, creative planning, defining success, and focusing on how to get there. It’s a powerful framework because it meets the person where they are and builds momentum from the inside out.
When I’m helping leaders learn how to coach their own teams, I often introduce the GROW model as a starting point. It’s straightforward and memorable: Goal, Reality, Options, Way Forward. And the most important piece? Getting crystal clear on the Goal. What does the person actually want? That clarity is the foundation everything else is built on. Without it, even the best coaching conversation can spin in circles.
The key question a leader needs to ask themselves before jumping in to help is this: Does this person need to be told what to do, or do they need help thinking it through?
That question alone will change how you show up.
What Is Mentoring, and When Does It Make Sense?
Mentoring is different in a meaningful way. In a mentoring relationship, the more experienced person shares their journey, including their insights, mistakes, and perspective on navigating a particular role or situation. There’s room for stories. There’s room for advice. There’s room for saying, “Here’s what I learned the hard way.”
Mentoring is particularly valuable when someone is considering a new role or exploring a career path they haven’t walked before. It’s a chance for them to learn from someone who has. It’s also one of the few leadership relationships where sharing your own experience isn’t just appropriate; it’s the whole point.
There’s something else worth noting about mentoring: it’s a powerful relationship-builder. When a leader mentors someone outside their direct team, it creates a different kind of connection, one that isn’t tied to performance management or day-to-day accountability. Both people tend to learn something. The mentor gets to reflect on their own journey. The mentee gains a trusted perspective they couldn’t get from a Google search.
Coaching vs. Mentoring: A Quick Comparison
|
Coaching |
Mentoring |
|
|
Primary approach |
Asking questions |
Sharing experience |
|
Direction of insight |
Drawn from the person being coached |
Offered by the mentor |
|
Best for |
Unlocking thinking, solving problems, building capability |
Career exploration, learning from experience, relationship development |
|
Advice-giving? |
Minimal to none |
Expected and welcome |
|
Who holds the answers? |
The person being coached |
The mentor, based on lived experience |
The Real Question Every Leader Should Be Asking
Before your next one-on-one, before your next check-in, before you respond to that message sitting in your inbox, ask yourself this:
What does this person actually need right now?
Do they need to be told what to do? Then tell them clearly and directly. That’s direction, and sometimes direction is exactly right.
Do they need specific advice or guidance based on your experience? Then mentor them. Share what you know.
Do they need feedback on how they’re doing? Give it. Feedback is a gift when it’s done well.
Or do they need coaching? Do they need someone to slow down with them, ask better questions, and help them think through something they’re perfectly capable of figuring out with the right support?
The most effective leaders I’ve worked with don’t default to one mode. They diagnose first. They ask themselves what the person needs, and often they ask the person directly. Then they lead from that place.
The Skill Gap Nobody Talks About
Here’s the honest truth: most leaders were never taught how to coach. They were promoted because they were great at their work, not because they were trained in the art of developing others. So they do what feels natural. They share what they know, they solve problems, and they give answers.
That’s not a character flaw. It’s a skills gap.
And like any skill gap, it’s entirely closeable.
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in any part of this, the constant interruptions, the team that keeps coming back for answers, the nagging feeling that you’re doing too much and your people aren’t growing fast enough, that recognition is a starting point, not a verdict.
The next step is building the skill.
Ready to Lead Differently?
The Thriving Leaders Club is where people leaders like you build the practical skills to coach, communicate, and lead with real confidence, without the overwhelm. Each month, we go deep on the skills that actually move the needle for you and your team.
If you’re ready to stop being the bottleneck and start being the leader your team can grow around, I’d love to have you inside.